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About Rigel 7 Rigel 7 is the seventh planet in the Rigellian system. Duh. Of the known universe, we posess the highest PDQ (Population Dance-Quotient) of any world. Your earth presents an embarrassing 13% blemish on the very forehead of our universe. We are here to squeeze. Our mission: to transmit our mind-altering, pulsating, "cooked-in-its-own-juices" blend of techno music directly onto your primitive Internet. Any attempts to defend yourselves will be interpreted as an act of aggression. So, turn it up. Dance. Or the planet gets it. |
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The Conspiracy Rigel 7 extends greetings of love and joy to all earthlings. However, your planet's governments have suppressed information regarding Rigel 7. Countless investigations have failed to uncover the Roswell debacle, in which three Rigellians attempted to deliver a recipe for world peace; mistaken by your government to read, "really delicious home-brewed beer." Seen as a threat to economic stability, our Rigellian embassadors were subjected to a barage of sexual "tests" and fled for their lives aboard a stolen USGS weather balloon, which "touched down" in Roswell, New Mexico. Their "flying disk" was reverse-engineered to provide for your microwave technology, your VCR, and an expensive wine-opener available through Sharper Image. Oh, and "Pop-a-Matic." By the way, that "Alien Autopsy" film was produced by government officials, in hopes that a hoax would deflate conspiracy fans. That government has since realized that the alien phenomenon is commercially lucrative and scheduled three sequels -- "Alien Autopsy II: The Hoax," "Alien Autopsy III: It Wasn't A Hoax Afterall," and "Alien Autopsy IV: Four Out of Five Abductees Play Lotto." |
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Who Wrote This Tripe?! Rigel 7 has employed a team of scientists to create the very finest document ever presented on your World Wide Web. Billions of dollars have been spent on lavish experiments (with those buzzy V-shaped things) and new technologies in the development of this document. Considering the age-old adage, "You get what you pay for," we stopped payment on their check. |
Rigel 7 can be reached through our representatives on planet earth. Send your questions, fan mail, comments, fan mail, and fan mail to Resort Records Inc. Visit the Resort Records web site for a complete listing of individual label contacts and their E-Mail addresses. Resort Records is available from 9am to 6pm PST, Monday through Friday. International callers and those generally unfamiliar with time zones may call or fax at any time, day or night, and leave a message. Somebody will get back to you during regular business hours.
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